i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
