I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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