I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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