My liver just broke up with me...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
