I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
