You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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