I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
