I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
