thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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