I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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