do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
