I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize