All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
