I'm jealous of your bromance
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize