this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
