I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
