Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize