Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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