no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
