Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
