He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
