I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
if only i could text you this smell
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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