Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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