I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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