Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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