I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
