saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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