Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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