My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
