I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
