he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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