and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
