she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize