i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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