I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
