Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
