just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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