I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
