Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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