My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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