My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
