I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
