dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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