the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
