Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
