I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
