I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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