Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
