I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
