some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
