It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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