the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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