They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
organizing the empties. That sober.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
