I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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