PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
