Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
how does that bad decision feel?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
