I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
